Why do Darwin atheists not like facts of Genesis? I’ve noticed they block and dismiss everything a person states. Is that how science works to hide when a truth comes at them?

God: You heard me. Go get your son, place him on my altar, and kill him for me. My tumbly is getting rumbly.

*Innagadadavida Drum Solo*

Children of Israel - Islington Green School Choir

How do you feel cockroach?

God: Humans! Wakey, wakey! This is God talking to you here. Have I got your attention?

Adam: I’d be for the first option, personally.

Have you looked around Heaven? Everyone there’s a guy! Mikey and Gabe and Rafe and Beau and Luke… I’m still not sure about Punky.

WCWS Game 2: Texas Tech evens series with 4-3 win, setting up decisive Game 3 - Yahoo Sports

Lot: Hey guys! Come on over to the house.

Talking Snake/Satan Angel - Eddie Izzard

Beau Angel *leaning in close, speaking in hushed tones: This is God we’re talking about here. He’s kind of a sick, sadistic bastard. Plus he hates going out in public.

New Study Finds No Evidence of Tension in Hubble Constant - Sci.News

Truth in Genesis, from the good old book itself… if you’re brave enough…

God: Yeah, but I didn't mean that! Now I have to kill you and every other living thing on Earth except for that one guy with the big broat …

Humans - Monty Python Cast

Are Indian girls awesome in bed? Do they taste different than our American girls? Does anyone has experience with both American and Indian girls?

Noah: Oh, very well. On one condition: Make it just 2 of everything. Why 7 clean beasts anyway?

Michael Caine *standing on the peak of Everest, waist-deep in water, holding an umbrella above his head*: This Yahweh character is one sick, sadistic bastard. Not many people know that … because there aren’t many people ... left …

Humans: “Boat” sir …

Why is my coworker suddenly being so mean towards then being nice like nothing happened? She is nice with everyone but me.

God: Noah! Get that broat of yours ready. You’re going to have a full load.

Crowd: Gang bang!

God - Sean Connery

Why are European countries warning European travelers to be careful traveling to the United States?

God: Did I say that? Let me check my Arbitrary God Laws… Okay. You got me on that one. I’m partial to craft beers, myself. Remember: This is all due to the fact that I’m such a loving, kind, generous, and caring deity and not some vengeful, jealous, wrathful, sick, sadistic bastard like some have claimed.

Beau Angel - John Schneider

God: Oh. That does put things in a different light. Who said anything about ‘gratuitous sex’? I’m good with ‘gratuitous violence’, but sex? In fact, that’s one of the things that got you in this predicament to begin with: people everywhere having sex! Sex!!

Why can't the ISS take a picture of Earth and prove to the Flat Earth Society that Earth is not really flat?

God: I’m on a tight schedule here, what with cities to destroy and lives to end, but for you? I’ll think about it.

God: *To Himself* Chinese … Chinese … why does that word sound so familiar? Note to self: Google “Chinese” when you get back to Heaven.

Humans: This is amazing! *Do whatever they want to do - ratings were through the roof but the BBC received many complaints from the more conservative audience viewers due to subject matter and men dressing as women in nearly every comedy sketch.*

As Kamala Harris weighs a run for governor, some Democrats are moving on - The Washington Post

Sean Connery: Well! It’s about bloody time! Why did I even sign on to this project? *Clears throat, steps into the circle of light on the stage and grasps the microphone with his right hand.*

First off, what the fuck is a “Darwin atheist”?

God: I put this special tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil™ right in the middle of Eden. Don't eat the fruit, though. You eat da fruit? I keel you! Don’t even look, touch, or smell dat dam tree! *God wanders off laughing maniacally* Keeeeeel yoooooooohoooooohoooooo hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Why are you bare-nakedly displaying your anti-Trump bias while ignoring the liberals' destruction of the US? I am now blocking your e-mails because of your biased articles.

Abel - Will Farrell

Abel: You’ve met God, right? He’s obviously an omnivore with carnivorous tendencies. Blood and flesh are the only things that can really satisfy that craving.

Lot: That seems a bit extreme. Couldn’t He just pop in and show these guys that He’s real and He’s God and He’s worthy of their worship, thereby winning their hearts and saving their souls so that they can abide with the Lord for all eternity?

Why do siblings (or other close relatives) stop visiting each other as they grow older? Why does this happen with so many people nowadays?

Cain - John C. Reilly

Cain: Enoch! *shakes head and looks away, sulking*

Abraham - Foster Brooks

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Lot's 2 virgin daughters - Linda Lovelace and Marilyn Chambers

Moses - Mel Brooks

God: Oh, don’t worry about catches or consequences or any of that right now. Just go forth and be free, my beloved children!

Was there a British ‘genocide’ of Aboriginal Australians?

Enoch: Hey dad?

God: Cost? No cost. It’s free will. Not bargain basement will or heavily discounted will. I’m offering you, today only, absolutely free will.

Humans: Hang on. Did you say “kill you along with everything else on Earth;”? Is that what I just heard you say? You sick, sadistic bastard! I thought you were talking about canceling the show …

Noah: Even those other civilizations across the world that we’ve never heard of like the Chinese?

Adam - Christopher Lloyd

Sean Connery: Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see anything! It’s like floating in a formless void! I thought there would be a magnificent bit of scenery and fabulous set pieces for this project. It’s like nothing’s happened here at all! Can we get some lights on here? Some light!?!?

God *comparing the mass of the goat and the mass of Isaac*: Just kidding! What do you say we grill up some groat? I’ll bring the cold ones.

God: Mmmmm kids. Baby groats too. Baby sheep. Baby llamas. Baby … babies. Now Go! I’m famished!

Evie: Does my ass look too big in this fig leaf? You better think about your answer if you want to get lucky tonight. And who the hell is Scott? And why is he so ‘great’? Is there something I should know? Have you already been into the applesauce?

Noah: How am I going to fit all that into a 58 foot Krogen and two kayaks? Good call on the raptors. I won’t tolerate them running loose in my galley.

Lot: Take a hike!

Adam *bites fruit: Great Scott! Woman! Put some clothes on! Have you seen the size of your ass?

Abraham *rolling his eyes*: Iff<hic> you sahayy<hic>suh<hic>ho…<belch>

Humans: Yeah! Your voice is registering approximately 7.4 on the Richter Scale. We’d have to be dead not to hear you. What’s so damned important that you have to broadcast at three in the bloody AM?

Punky Angel: Promise?

Note to self: Pick up more hand lotion on the way home.

God: Now look at this mess you’ve made. Too bad I just ate or I’d help clean that up, but I guess you’re on your own there. And in everything else from now on, schmuck. Where am I going to get sheep now that the shepherd’s pushin’ up daisies? I think you should just take a walk … head east … move along … nothing more to see here. Toodles! See ya. No, really … good-bye. Go! Start kickin’ them little rocks down the road, schlemazel.

God: What?

Crowd: Those angels look pretty good! ‘Specially the dude in the white leotard.

Evie: What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you guys? Really!? What the hell’s the setup here? And what the actual hell is hell?!?

So, no. I think not. I’m wiping the slate clean. *Leaves to find Noah and his broat*

Pharaoh - Yul Brenner

Enoch *mumbling to himself: Okay, Enoch it is. *breaking 4th wall* It’s embarrassing in the extreme to have such a schlemiel for a dad. *walks out to announce the name of the new city since Cain is too busy sulking to do it himself*

Humans: Well … 1969 … BCE … and you said we could do whatever we want ... ?

Adam: Cool! Thanks! I have no idea what you just said and I still don’t know what to do with this thing dangling between my legs …

Lot - Ned Beatty

Adam: Seriously? I haven’t got a twig to wear. Couldn’t you call ahead and give like 5 minutes notice so I can put together a suitable wardrobe for these conferences?

Human 2: Yes. But in a manly way!

God: Abraham, go kill your son for me, please. I need a snack.

Seth - Sacha Baron Cohen

Enoch - Adam Scott

Luke Angel: Dude! Get a grip! *looks down* Not that kind of grip! *shakes head - turns away* Okay, Lot … now, get that sweet n salty wife of yours and your other daughters and their families and get out of here because God is gonna nuke this cesspool.

Adam: Hey God, how’s everything up in Heaven? No problems with the space/time continuums again are there? Oh, by the way: what am I supposed to do with this thing dangling between my legs? It’s really kind of a bother.

Abraham: Waihayytaminn-enn-ennitt here! You <belch> eats ki-hii-hii<hic>hids?

Cain: Hey Abel! What ya got there? Your girlfriend? She call you Daaa-aaa-aaaddy!?

Lot’s 2 Virgin Daughters: Thank you, Daddy!

God: Oh, it’s just this proclivity I have toward hiding meanings within numerical sequences. It will be widely utilized during the 2nd World War. But never mind that right now. I’m going to make it rain for a long time and flood the entire Earth!

Humans: Really? This seems too good to be true. What’s the hidden catch thingy?

Eliphaz - Ted Knight

Human 1: Hmm, that could have gone better… Well, since everyone’s already up… should we… kiss?

Beau Angel: Well, we were gonna just hang out over here in the square, let Punky work the crowd with some funky Punky riffage, maybe give the ‘ol Gen’r’l a tune up an’ do some burn outs but … okay.

God: Yes. Please do try to keep up. We’re talking about mass murder here. You, them, those people across the street there, your mother-in-law, Michael Caine. They’ll all have to die as well.

Now I’m posed with this wonderful conundrum that you have placed before me: do I take away your knowledge, move the dratted tree someplace where the two of you can’t get to it, perhaps even erase your memories of this entire incident, including that I was ever stupid enough to have placed this dumb tree here in the first place and we can carry on as before – I can do all that; I am God, after all – or do I inflict punishment upon you instead, including, but not limited to: casting you out of Eden, making sure childbirth has the potential to be excruciatingly painful and perhaps even fatal in some cases, blaming the kids for their parents fuck-ups en perpetuity, sending you to war after war where I will require you to commit the most atrocious acts known to man, and last but not least – because I love you so much – roasting in a lake of fire for eternity unless you lick my boots just the way I outline for you to lick them. Well, that might be sufficient.

Abraham: Well ... if I .. if I <hic> ha..haa..haa <belch> ave to.

Cast of characters:

God: Hey! Stop that! I didn't say you could do that! Not on network television in any case! What do you think this is? The 1970s?

Humans: Yes, well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you Creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behind squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling alchemist. You excrement! You lousy hypocritical whining toady with your lousy colour TV set and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding secret Yahwist handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastard. Well I wouldn't become a Yahwist now if you went down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me!

Abel: Well, I guess he liked my girlfriend a lot more than your puke, eh?

Snake (who can talk): Yesss! Eat the fruit! It will make you jussst like that God guy. God is as good as it getsss. If you want to be good, eat the fruit because right now you know fuck-all and God knows fucking everything. How the hell is that fair?

The Old Testament

Abraham: Just ki<hic>hidding! D’joo say col’ wuh<hic>uns? <belch>

God: You’re right. I’ll send a couple of angels to see if they can find some good men because I can’t tell if they’re good or bad.

God: I am God, the all-seeing, all-knowing creator of everything! I can do anything except disobey my own arbitrary laws. I know everything that has happened, everything that is happening, and everything that will ever happen. I am infallible and perfect, therefore I can never make mistakes. I will create the universe and everything in it. Well, not really. That might take a month or more. I’ll set a patch of land on some stone pillars and cover it with a nice crystal dome. A few twinkle lights over here and over there. Maybe some orbs of light. I think I can muster that up in a week. Universes are so damned … random! Then I'll make a male human and I'll make male and female animals to serve my male human.

Abraham: Yes, oh <hic> Lord! <belch> I hear and oba <hic> obey … wait ... wha-haa<hic> haaat?

*Stagehand switches on a single stark white floodlight.*

Cain: Enoch! Enough! I’m sulking!

Crowd: Hey Whitey! You shore got a purty mouth! We’re gonna make you squeal like a pig!

*Background noises, metallic clanging, muttered curses*

God: Yes, you have to. I am God! FEED ME!

Evie: What the hell’s up with Him? Who was that guy? Who are you? Who the hell am I? And what the hell is hell? Why would he say he put this tree in the middle of Eden and then tell us not to eat the fruit if He didn't really want us to eat the fruit? Think about it. It’s simple reverse psychology.

Abel: Yeah, because sheep are tasty! Kumquats not so much.

Punky Angel: Hey! Wait! What about me?

God: It’s all part of a Grand Plan® of mine. Don’t worry. You’ve played your part. Now go! Seriously, you need to leave. I’m starting to feel a bit peckish.

God: Well, we’re sorry you feel that way. Still we’re God … err I mean I’m God and, in accordance with Arbitrary God Law 4257–20, Section 3, Subsection iv which I just enacted, I have to keep my word. I said that I’d kill you along with everything else on Earth; and if I said it, I must do it.

Noah: You mean my boat, sir? Full load? Okay then. How many life jackets should I pack?

1. The Old Testament

Noah - Alan Rickman

Evie the Ribbie Chick - Rosie O'Donnell

God: Chinese? Who are they?

Aaron - John Carradine

Crowd - Herbert Coward, Bill McKinney, Billy Redden, James Dickey, Macon McCalman

God: Hey, I’m God. I can do anything even if it defies all logic, reason, or natural law. What are kryaks?

Humans: We could live with the mother-in-law bit, and Michael Caine, probably. But that couple down the street at the sidewalk café. You don’t really have to kill them as well, right? They’ve done nothing wrong here. Besides that, they’re just adorable. Have you seen them? I mean, it’s just us who are pissing you off, right? So, just cancel the show, if you must, and have done! No need for all this drama and … people up in arms over all of the ‘gratuitous sex and violence on television’ nonsense all over the place these days.

The damned Hebrews wrote my wife Asherah out of the Torah. Well they haven’t done that yet, but they will. Remember: I know everything about everyone already. So sex is a bit of a sore spot for me, okay?

That’s all very boring stuff anyway. Laboratory experiments gone afoul and the like.

Abraham: Hmmmwhhooaa .. <belch> Don’t you think that’s a bihhh a biihhh a bihhht extre <hic> extreme? <belch>

God: Well, yeah ... everreverrevrything but that…

Angels: How-do Lot!

Lot: Aww shit! Not this again! Here, rape my two virgin daughters instead. They’re only women, so they’re not important.

Luke Angel - Tom Wopat

Cain: God always did like you best …

God: Whatever. “Boat” then. And whatever he can cram inside it while I exterminate the rest of you like the roaches you are.

Abraham: *Staggers off to the house, rebounding off of several trees, stumbling over a couple of boulders and a wandering goat. Gets his son, staggers back to the altar, taking approximately three days in the process, tripping over the goat again, and prepares to kill the boy.*

Cain: This shit sucks! He was my best brother and you made me kill him!

Enoch: But the city’s name … ?

It’s a damn good thing I remembered to hide my Magical Tree of Life™ … somewhere …

The Bible – A Koine Greek Tragicomedy

God: Well, well! My precious favored creations brought me goodies! What have we here? *sniffs fruits and veggies - turns up his nose - sniffs sheep* Ah! *grows enormous fangs and feasts on the poor lil’ critter leaving a mass of blood and entrails on the ground amidst a few tufts of wool* Nothing really satisfies like hot blood flowing down the ol’ gullet and raw flesh between my teeth! Abel! You’re a good man! *looks over at pile of fruits and veggies* Somebody ought to clean that up. It could cause someone else to throw up as well! *looks over at Cain* Who shat in your Wheaties, chump? *POOF* ~disappears

Musical Intro – Innagadadavida performed by Iron Butterfly

God: You ate the fruit didn’t you? Wow, I didn't see that one coming. Let this be a lesson to you! You ate the fruit in search of knowledge. Knowledge is forbidden! You are to live your lives in total ignorance and obeisance to me, not go around questioning how things work and where things came from.

(An evolving work in progress.)

Abraham: You're one sick, sadi <hic> sadaiyistic bastard, you know tha haa haatt? <belch>

Humans: I’ll bet our syndicated shows will kill ‘em across the pond on Public Telly. Go on then! Do your worst!

Enoch: But dad, everyone wants to know what you want to name your new city.

God: Well, you’re already more than half way there. What’s another 350 years among friends?

God *writing up eviction notices: Hmmm no. Plan B. You’ll be packing your belongings and riding off into the sunset effective immediately. You see, you did exactly what the authors of this fable wanted you to do in order to teach a lesson about … oh why bother? They’ll never learn!

Conceived and written by Zipperhead Frankenberry the Third in collaboration with Captain Caveman, Attila the Honey-do, and Shorty-Chan - who was responsible for the naughty bits.

Adam: Yeah, whatever. *groan* This dangly thing is drivin me … what the heck good is it? Other than writing my name in the snow, that is. But since I don’t know how to write, and have never heard of snow, or seen it or …

Cain: That’s a vegan feast right there. What you got is death on the hoof! Death when you prep it cause ya kill the critter, and death when ya eat it cause you’re eatin’ one of God’s critters. I’d rather eat His fruits and veggies ’cause they’ll just grow back. Hard for dead critters to grow back. Just sayin’. I’m sure He’ll feel the same.

Cain: I’ll Kumquat you, ya little glory stealing shit! *Hits Abel in the head with an oddly kumquat shaped rock*

God: Ooops! My mistake! Did I say ‘mistake’? No, it’s all part of my Grand Plan®! You see, I meant to do things this way from the start. Here, we’ll just have a little parade and you can pick a mate! Yes! Here’s a nice groat. No? How about a sheep? Uh… that’s just not right, is it? A cow perhaps? This horse? Drat! this isn’t working at all, is it? What’s that? Hmm… no, I don’t know anyone named Lilith … but, ah yes, from the start! I know! I should have thought of this sooner, really. I'll just take one of your ribs and then defy the laws of nature and science by turning your male DNA into a female human. We won’t say ‘transgendered’ but ...

Awan - Leslie Bibb

God: Abraham, I’m going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah because they don’t love me or worship me or fear me anymore.

God: Adam? Evie? Where are you? I would like to have a word.

Zophar - Bill Murray

Punky Angel - Punky Meadows

God: *While priming his Celestial Pump®* Alright then. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bildad - Chevy Chase

God: Enough for your family and 7 of every clean animal in the world along with 2 of every unclean animal. You’ll have to make special accommodations for the unicorns and dinosaurs. Especially the raptors. Rawr.

Cain: Enoch! I told you never to bother me while I’m busy sulking. And I’m always busy sulking!

Noah: Don’t you just … know? Never mind …

Job - Rodney Dangerfield

*Special cameo appearance by Michael Caine as Michael Caine.

Cain: Fine! Have it your way! You omnipotent fucks always do anyway! *sulks off eastward, finds a human to marry even though there aren’t any other humans, has kids, builds a city, sulking all the while*

Abraham: Wait … don’t you <hic> know ever <hic> everreverrevrything?

Humans: Well, Great! What’s it cost?

God: Three AM? Oh! So sorry, I was on Greenwich Mean Time and thought it was midnight. Anyway, I’m glad you asked. You see, I just now had the most brilliant idea. I'm going to try a little experiment. How would you humans like to have free will to do whatever you want to do?

Read on, my fearful, groveling servant, and always remember: It’s All About Me!

Evie *bites fruit: Adam, I know what you’re supposed to do with that thing dangling between your legs now. Heh heh heh this is gonna be fun! Have a bite, big boy!

Abraham: Heyy .. mah .. my nephphph .. <belch> nephphphew’s livin ovhover<hic>er theh .. herrerr <belch> Cuh .. hoodja warna <belch> bro.. hother?

Noah: Kayaks; small streamlined broats … boats … designed for one person to maneuver quickly and easily in lakes, rivers, streams, but that’s entirely beside the point. Now let me ask you this: Who is going to clean up after all those filthy beasts? It won’t be me, I can assure you of that! Not if I live to be 950 years old would I agree to that!

Abel *Staking his sacrificial sheep next to Yahweh’s Altar® and looking at the pile of sliced and diced fruits and veggies already there: Somebody throw up?